It's been a rough week. Duchess is tired. Not physically tired mind you, but Mentally tired. There are so many things going on all at once, sometimes it's hard to just disconnect, am I right? See, I've got a few mental health issues. Lately who doesn't?
I'm a manic depressive. Now, in truth, I'm not really sure how to describe that other than how it was described to me. I have really high, Highs and really low, Lows. What's a Duchess to do? Well, she learns how to ride the waves. I'm not perfect at it and I don't expect anyone to be but it is what it is. I've learned to take those hits, get up the day after and keep pushing. I'd be lying to you if I said it was ok. It's not. It's a serious amount of work. It's a serious amount of effort for me to paste a smile on my face when I feel nothing at all inside. Or worse- I feel Everything.
That's perhaps, the worst part. That I feel everything so acutely that I can't feel anything at all. Think I'm crazy? Well Shit, yeah kind of am. But to be fair, I never told you I wasn't completely crazy. There must be madness to sanity. There must always be a balance. Ok, now I sound like Yoda in Star Wars- can you tell what I've been watching lately?
Yoda ain't wrong though. You have to find the balance, the 'force' if you will. See I believe (and I just hung up a video chat with an amazing friend of mine where we talked exactly about this), that the SELF is the source of all problems. We are so focused on the SELF. On how our actions and those of others, effect our SELF that we are deaf to the reality of the collective being. That the collective being, which exists outside of the SELF, is the all important.
It is not. Ok, this may be too much too soon- but Duchess has had a few drinks, because- SURPRISE she's still quarantining. Honestly if this is not the time for you to truly, honestly reflect and meditate- I mean did you not read my previous post? I don't know what I can do for you. BUT, the SELF is such a powerful driving force for every individual because you can, tangibly, only rely on that SELF. However, and I beg you to be patient and untether yourself long enough to truly comprehend what I'm try to say here, the SELF lies. The SELF lies.
I'm going to write that again. THE SELF LIES. The SELF is a liar. The self is just that. THE SELF. It is incapable of looking, acknowledging, understanding or caring about anything but its SELF. I want you to truly think about that. How many good deeds do you commit, that wind up truly being about benefiting your SELF? Acts that are designed to ease your SELF- conscious? You didn't think about that did you? My good friend and I spoke on religion, and how that fuels our actions etc. But I kept bringing up the SELF. I feel like this may be too much Dear Reader. Is it to much? Or is it too difficult to comprehend? Does it conflict with your SELF? Bet you a dollar to a doughnut (I need someone to explain that saying btw) that it does.
Just kidding I don't care. I want you to understand one thing about me. As much as I care- and I do genuinely really truly do care- I DON'T CARE. I want you to separate from the literal aspect of my statement there. I don 't care about the literal. I care about the spiritual. The literal, or physical if you will, is irrelevant to the entirety of the picture. I don't identify spiritually with anything, but that doesn't mean I don't understand and recognize the spiritual. I just don't believe in defining it any type of way. Yeah, this is heavy my loves.
Life. Is. Heavy. You. Need. To. Understand. That. You really do. Because Life, is a gift. A friggin GIFT. Something so futile. So utterly precious, so utterly un-understandable, something so tangible, so fleeting that it doesn't matter. Seriously it' s utterly MAGICAL. It's magical that we are here. That we are joined in this life experience together. We have this moment loves. This breath is guaranteed. Not the next, Not tomorrow's, Not yesterday's. TODAYS. That. THAT. Is more important than the SELF. Than what we perceive as the meaning of SELF. That. That is what I want to explain and am utterly incapable of doing. It's that THIS. This breath, This minute, This second... is worth more. What are YOU DOING with it? What is worth your Time to do with it. Because this moment is never about YOU. It isn't meant to ever have been about you. The SELF created that belief in you. Because without the SELF, you assume, how could anything exist outside it? How could my SELF not matter in this equation. But it does and it doesn't. It does in that you contribute to the moment, a moment that is not the same if you are not contributing to it. But it doesn't in that you are not the sole contributor, the moment is not dependent on your contribution. The outside- the COLLECTIVE exists with or without you. How do YOU truly promote or benefit that? THAT is the Goal. At least, that's my goal.
Super, Duper Heavy. But If you know me- you should be used to the heavy. If you're not- You should either start waking up or hop elsewhere to the light. I'm not a Sith lord. But I'm not a Jedi either. Am I a Mandalorian? Hmmm.... This "May" be The Way.
With Some Type of Love,
The Duchess
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