Insomnia is a Bitch.
Am I right?
Haven't been getting much sleep lately. I've also had a bit of a block in what my posts should be centered around each week. I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere now that I've gotten the swing of it. I will say however, I'm not sleeping. I'm not sleeping, and I'm not writing. It's natural though right? Pandemic, Stress, Uncertainty. Yeah I guess.
I go through bought's of Insomnia. Never really revolves around what 's actively going on in my life. It just sort of happens. It's like my mind is blank- sometimes I swear it really is blank. Other times its constantly churning away. I'm starting to think that those "blank moments" aren't really blank moments. They're just moments when the mind is moving so quickly that everything is dark- empty, like a black hole. See, though, that's the thing; Black holes aren't actually empty. They're constantly churning away, devouring the stars and planets surrounding them. They are churning away, gobbling up the energy they have consumed. Grim shit huh? Yeah, but the mind is a Black Hole in a way isn't it? Thoughts endlessly being sucked into the "void".
See it's not like I'm not tired. I'm exhausted. But Insomnia doesn't care if you're tired. It's here and it doesn't matter if for those brief 5-10 minutes you were actually struggling to keep your eyes open. It's going to rev your engine so hard you'll be up for good. You might get like 2hrs, 4 if you're really lucky. Some days I'm lucky, mostly not however. A lot of people have recommended I cut down on coffee, I have. Or that I try an all night all a day shock- yeah that only works on the weak. Others that I turn off all TV and electronics. Yeah. Laying in the dark staring at the ceiling is a lot of fun, said no one ever. Trust me, warm milk- I hate milk, and it doesn't work. Tea? Nope. A walk- not happening in my neighborhood. It's actually not about the neighborhood, it's my building... HOT MESS. Baking or cooking? eh- no doesn't work. Makes others really happy when they wake up however. Anyways, nothing really works. I just have to let it run it's course mostly.
Our current world situation makes it all the more frustrating. See I'd have the daily routine of getting ready for work, feeding the cats, commuting, actually working. I'd have the joy of escape with the work environment. That's neurotic to me even writing that. It's still true. See working from home doesn't allow for that important separation between work and life. It's a separation I treasure. I don't bring my work home, and I don't bring my home to work. I like the ability to turn of my home/ personal life when I "clock in" to work in the mornings. It's like Life outside of work is just click, off. I like that. I like having that ability.
I don't stay on the clock. I've lived that life. I've lived that work, where I was never not on the clock, never not accessible to my job at all hours of the day or night, weekends too. I'm never doing that again. That's not saying that if you do- it's a bad thing. If you enjoy your work, if you truly love your work, kudos. If your work is fulfilling, it's your purpose, do you. It's a wonderful thing and something far to many people don't ever truly find. Working non stop, is not something that (where I find myself currently at least) I want to do. I haven't found that one thing yet.
And I've tried.
Believe me I have tried. I have failed. I thought working with Youths was it in the beginning. I came into that very young, thought I was like damn Wonder Woman. I found the beauty in helping another human being overcome obstacles. I loved looking at a young kid and taking them under my wing, encouraging and supporting them. I loved being able to provide them with the tools to make a difference in the world. I also learned how quickly that work can turn on you. There's a heavy price to pay to help others. And its an emotional price. I'm not that selfless after all. I still help those I come across. I'll never stop doing that, whether I'm employed to do it or not. Shit, whether I'm employed or not, Ima still do it. I feel it is everyone's duty to try and make a difference in the lives of those around us. Hey, my fuckups are not meant to just be my lessons. If I can help someone to do better than me- that's a good damn day to me. I love my babies- ya'll know who you are.
In short, and we keeping it very short this week. Insomnia sucks balls. I like to help people. I don't like working from home. At least in my current role, it's not a challenge, its not something that lights a fire in me. Someday though, I'll find that fire, and baby be ready because I'm going to set it all to burn.
With Some Type of Love,
The Duchess
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