There was a time in my life when, like all little Duchess' do, I imagined the perfect love. Let's face it, it was perfect people. Idealistic, romantic; with just enough soap opera drama to make for an epic love story. I immersed myself in the stories of Romeo & Juliet, Tristan & Isolde, Jack & Rose, Rhett & Scarlett, , Anthony & Cleopatra, Satine & Christian, Elizabeth & Mr. Darcy, Fanny Brice & Nicky Arnstein to name a small few. Countless love stories that had traveled and evolved throughout generations. Stories of unbreakable passionate love.
All Lies.
Romeo & Juliet- were teenagers. Romeo was a selfish playboy (don't believe me? Pay attention to the play people he's just broken up with another chick. Juliet's the rebound - a naive one at that).
Tristan & Isolde- adultery.
Jack & Rose- Also teenagers. Traumatic Experience coping. He was her way of rebelling against a life she didn't want. A last F**k You before she accepted her fate.
Rhett & Scarlett- Spoiled Rich Girl meet Opportunist, add a Civil War & mix to combine. Pour on Manipulation, Bribery, Slavery & Emotional Abuse.
Anthony & Cleopatra- Roman Propaganda. Then Hollywood Propaganda. Also he's a drunkard failed General, she's from a family of vipers that make murder a family trait.
Satine & Christian- She's a prostitute he's a failed Writer who get's jealous when she has to well... do her job. Plus, everyone is Drunk and High as a kite.
Elizabeth & Mr. Darcy- Asshole meet Ms. Know it all. Add in a Spinster writer who lost the love of her life. They treat eachother like trash.
Fanny Brice & Nicky Arnstein- She's an infatuated emotionally dependent singer & he's a chronic gambler.
See a trend in these examples? With the exception of Elizabeth & Mr. Darcy- either one of them dies, they both die or they end up alone. Look, I'm not going down the bitter "love is an illusion it doesn't exist" path here. Not the point of this. My point is something else entirely.
Love isn't idealistic. It isn't perfect. It isn't all or nothing. It isn't tragic. It's everything all mashed into one. Makes no sense? That's ok, sit tight and hold on I promise we're going to understand it together. The mistake, in my opinion and extremely limited experience, is thinking that when love comes, it's instant, perfect and forever. It isn't. It's all that and anything but. See, I've learned that love doesn't make or break you. It doesn't come from other people, it's not validated by the presence of another person or persons (if thats your thing). It's you.
I'm going to tell you about my first love. We'll call him Adam. I met Adam in High School, through a mutual friend. I think I was crushing hard, probably instantly. I thought he was just the handsomest, nicest, sweetest guy ever. Now, Adam and I never dated. We never kissed. We were not officially anything other than friends. But no one was going to tell me he wasn't my boo. No one. Not a soul. I'm writing about this and I'm smiling like a cat that caught a canary. I find this story amusing now; that I believed to my core then, that Adam was endgame. My goodness I've grown since then, some for the worst, some for the more cynical and a lot for the better.
I would dream of Adam and I getting married and having children. I wasn't alone in this, believe me it wasn't ever official, but it was mutual. We would talk on the phone for hours. For you young people- this is back in the days before texting was the penultimate. This romance was in the age of Dial Up Internet, corded phones, Myspace & AIM. Pure days, innocent days. Days where you'd meet up together after school and just walk the city streets, parks and talk. To each other. Face to face. And that's what we did. We walked in Central Park, holding hands and talked. About anything and everything. About what our kids would look like. You couldn't tell me that wasn't perfect. It wasn't. Not even close.
See Adam wasn't perfect, neither was I. Adam was emotionally abusive, manipulative and frankly cruel. I recognize that now and part of me recognized it then as well. Adam dangled a relationship with him like you dangle a treat for a dog when you want it to perform a trick.
Dear Reader, my romantic relationships with men didn't start out on a good foot, and that hasn't changed much. Adam is the source of many of my trust issues. He's not the sole proprietor of them, I must be honest, but that's a different story. Adam broke me in a way that I never in my wildest imaginations had thought could be done by someone I loved. Completely and utterly shattered. My perception of love, of men, of relationships has never recovered. But this isn't a bad thing to me. At least not any more. I've learned to be more selective, perhaps too selective considering my track record. I've learned to protect myself. I've learned the most important thing of all. I've learned to VALUE myself. I am sacred. My love is sacred. I am a gift, that should be cherished despite and because of all my faults. I am not an object that should be given to just anyone. No. Never again.
I have struggled with my weight for the entirety of my life. I've always been plus size, a little too chunky, a little too heavy, and a lot too heavy as well. For me it was a sore spot, for Adam it was a deal breaker. That trick Adam wanted me to perform in order for him to be my boyfriend?
"If you lose 50 lbs, I'll be your boyfriend."
Yes. You read that Correct. Yes. Those are the EXACT words. I'll never forget it.
See, I gave Adam so much of myself that he felt it was his right to request that of me. I supported him. When I say supported (remember High School era so really what do I mean by that?) I mean I'd make sure he got to school on time, that he did his homework, that he had someone to speak to when he was upset. That he cut his hair. When he joined the navy I was there (at 3 o'clock am) to take his call. He was stationed on the West Coast at the time. So yes, I was that dog that he was teaching a new trick to. I was the Bitch. Hey, if the shoe fits right? Now, as a young girl, I registered the "I'll be your boyfriend" before I registered the "If you lose 50lbs". So it took me a few to respond. Reader, I'm proud of my answer looking back.
"My personality doesn't change with my weight, so why does it matter?"
Great response right? I meant every word. I stood by them. I still do. What you see is what you get. No exceptions, no backsies no returns. But I continued to follow behind Adam in the hopes he'd change his mind. He never did. In fact he hurt me even more. He dated a couple of my friends, he used me for emotional comfort, he got married and then of course divorced. You know who was there every time? Me. Because I had equated my worth with his attention.
It's hard to remember exactly when I pulled away. I think it was when he got married honestly. There are lines I don't cross, things I won't ever involve myself in no matter what the feelings are or aren't. I think it was then. I eventually grew out of needing to have his attention. I'm not going to say that it was a magical "ah-ha!" moment. Because it truly wasn't. It wasn't a movie like revelation. It just wasn't. It was gradual and I'm so grateful for what that "first love" taught me about love and more importantly about myself. You're thinking- here's the "love of your life" offering you his love and devotion and all you have to do is lose a couple of pounds.
So why not?
Because I am worth so much more. He's not the love of my life. He's not my first love. He's the Man (boy) who taught me what was wrong with how I THOUGHT love should be. I won't say I don't care for him. That's a lie I can't make. The fact is I do care for him still. And there's nothing wrong with that. I wish him nothing but happiness in life. Absolute complete happiness. He taught me valuable lessons about myself. About what I can and can not tolerate. I'm thankful for that. Would I have liked to not have had those embarrassing moments? Absolutely. Not to have spent nights crying over a love I thought should have been true? Absolutely. But that's not love and that's not life. It doesn't work like it does in the movies or in books, or on TV. No matter how much you WANT it to.
Love is not giving everything you have to another person. That's abuse. I mean that. It's abuse in all its forms, emotional and most certainly physical. That's not what love is. Love is tricky, it's not forever. Not all romantic loves are forever. They're designed to teach us about ourselves. At least I have grown to think so. I've had my fair share of fuck ups when it comes to love. I've fancied myself in love or something like it (haha! see what I did there? Only real fans will get it). But what every failed Love does, is provide us with the knowledge and the future appreciation for what that real Love is.
Love is difficult. It's complicated. It's a combination of your issues and the other person's issues. of your personality and another person's personality. Of your growth and that person's growth. Trees don't grow alike even if they are the same breed and planted beside each other. One can go left while the other leans right. We're all fragile, we're all learning. It doesn't matter how old we are or what our experiences have been. My best friend (My Person) once learned something from an ex of hers that has, truthfully, stuck with us both. He told her "you are never done paying your dues". That's true in every aspect of life. There are dues to pay in everything. Love, Career, Education, Everything.
Even when you are in relationships, no matter how it ends, keep in mind that when/ if it does end, you've grown as a person from the time that relationship started. You're a different person, you've learned different lessons, grown to understand (hopefully yourself) a little bit more. Learned that maybe you want something different. Maybe it really doesn't fit YOU. You've paid some dues. It's not a bad thing when a relationship doesn't work out. It hurts. My God does it hurt. It's like your hearts ripped out of your chest, like you're watching it beating outside of your chest. That pain isn't invalid. It is always meaningful. Remember what I said about the Phoenix? It's that. In my case I've had several years to look back and see the rainbow that was there when it ended. Endings are beginnings to something much more beautiful than what you left behind. It's ok if it takes a day, a year, or several years to recover. There's nothing wrong with that, because you're learning. Your age doesn't factor into that either. It's never too late to learn, to pay your dues, to HEAL.
I know. You're thinking "someone who has never been in a relationship has no idea what it's like". Firstly, Yup. When I say "I don't DO relationships" it's because I don't. Never have. On one hand you're right. I wouldn't know what it's like to have someone there who wants to be with me. But on the other, I do know and I'm going to tell you I had the shorter end of the stick. Because I gave relationship me to someone who didn't deserve it and should have never had it. That's something I learned. Something I had to learn, because frankly all those love stories sold me a dream and I bought it BIG TIME.
True love isn't you and another person. TRUE LOVE. TWUE LOVE... Is between YOU and YOU. That's not an easy thing to learn. That's not an easy thing to accept. and no, This has not been an Aha- Self love acceptance after Adam. I didn't quite learn that lesson well enough after Adam. I smacked into Thomas (He happened during the Adam era- Fun story I may or may not share), then Kevin, then Tony, then Ricardo, then Sam and of course... Mr. England. Guess what? Still learning. Currently healing from Mr. England, that was a doosey.
I never said I was perfect.
I'm as flawed as can be. And I'm learning to fall in love with that. Little by little. Day by Day. Just me, making my own Epic Love Story, with a wonderful Lady Named The Duchess.
And yes, that photo is me, after having gone down a slide that emptied out of a giant butt/Vagina and you bet your ass I had fun doing it.
With Some Type of Love,
The Duchess
Comments