Deliver Me

Being outspoken has its advantages.

It also has a lot of disadvantages.

I learned fairly young that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.

I'm that person that can be a "little too much".

Admittedly, I also took that opinion and ran with it in the only fashion I know how. As a Challenge.

You see, not everyone is going to like you. I learned quickly that most won't and nothing that you do will ever change that opinion. You can play that good girl fiddle for ages and it will never change their opinion of you. At least until years later when people see the pot and kettle are the same color, really the pot is more tarnished. That my loves is a wholly different, admittedly selfish, moment of satisfaction.

You see I've always been that person. That kid who's either just a little too loud, a little too honest and always in need of a chewy bar to keep them perpetually silent. Except of course, I eat said Chewy Bar way to fast for it to have an "as advertised" effect. At my grand age now, I still can't piece together why, honesty and openness is so uncomfortable for those surrounding it.

I will say it continues to be a source of utmost satisfaction for me to absolutely titilate everyone with what may, or may not come out of my mouth. If they only knew that my mouth is indeed censored and My actual thoughts would positively flay them alive. But.... I digress.

I don't want to say I keep a record of these people. But I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't. I do.

And I take PERVERSE joy when the cards are laid out on the table, and yours truly, is deserving of apology. Or worse yet! Admiration!

I'm not a fool.

I'm not perfect.

I never assumed I was.

I've never wanted to be.

Perfection.

Is exhausting.

I don't want it. I want no part of perfection. Perfection, in my eyes is ridiculous and a waste of life. We're not here to be perfect. There is no way you could EVER be PERFECT. You think that always doing the thing, what is expected of you- is DOABLE. Well ok- but who's idea of perfection is that standard being held to? Yours? Society's? Which Society? Your families? Ok- which side? How many people's versions of perfection are we talking about here? Really stop and think about this one.

I was born wholly un-perfect. I was late to this world, and I'm still always late. My first words were, to most, in the wrong language. A language I've since unconsciously relegated to a secondary world. Or could it be that, it wasn't unconscious? But a simple careful yet sensitive understanding of what would lead me to perfection?

A perfect immigrant, a perfect American immigrant, doesn't, indeed to some shouldn't, have an accent right? Why else would a teenager have herself transferred out of an "easy A" Spanish class and into French class?

Well, to be fair... they're not as different as you'd think... Sigh, Latin languages....

But it was unexpected.

And yet, if you would have been in the mind of that same girl, it would have made sense. But we don't share our plans.

Back to the point.

Not everybody likes me. Although, a lot of them have made great strides to SEEM like they LIKE me now. The paths of others are not my business, and I've never wanted them to be. But my successes will not be your, or anyones validation. Or heaven above forbid, vindication.

In reality, my mistakes will not be either. They are mine and yes, are they mistakes? Missteps? absolutely but they will never provide anyone with authority over me and my life. Not today, or any day indeed.

I've been counted out, every step I've taken.

I've never understood why that was the truth for so many around me.

That's a heavy cross for a child, a teenager, a young adult to carry.

And not break just a little every time.

See.

It's easy to not care about what those around you think. It's another thing entirely to put it to practice. It can be done. I'm assuredly proof of that. And late at night, or early morning, however you prefer to look at it... I understand it.

I was born playing chicken.

The truth vs. expectations.

Never could keep my mouth shut when I had something to really say.

And yeah, I drink a little bit, ok FINE... A LOT, too much. But, honestly aren't you all just so tired of it?

I also have learned i'm incapable of not... and I beg of you to understand because I really have tried to NOT... say anything. I just can't do it.

I see that headlight getting closer every year. Yet, every year, I refuse to swerve. I'm starting to think, well- truly am beginning to understand, that I'm not ever going to swerve. I don't think I'll ever swerve. I don't want to swerve. I want it to take me out. Even when I do exactly what everyone expects me to do. I find a way to make it my own. To make it my Unexpected truth.

I don't seek validation. I mean it must be nice. But life's taught me that validation is meaningless. It doesn't come how you expect it to come. It doesn't give you anything when it does come. At least in the format you think it will. The true mistake is believing that you are owed validation. That you are owed anything really.

You're not.

Perfection will kill you.

Go ahead, Have the perfect career, the "perfect" family. The "perfect" friends. Or hell, fight AGAINST the perfect. Fight to be so unperfect you don't even know who you are without the "perfect" to fight.

You'll be sitting alone.

Isolated.

Spiritually alone.

And I mean ALONE. You will be in a crowd, not even a crowd. You'll be amongst everyone, and I guarantee you. You. Will. Be. Alone.

Perfection and the fight against it are lonely places. They have never been where I wanted to be.

And I have, truly, found myself there. Not fully understanding that that is where I was. Yet, the place and the timing of when I felt I was the most perfect example of an individual I could ever be.... was the same moment I was the most alone. And I was miserable.

I'm still finding the path out of how miserable I was. Indeed, honestly, AM.

I've got eyes on me.

They see me.

I see them.

Our differences lie, in that they are only capable of seeing me as a child, who was a little too honest, a little too opinionated. A little to understanding for comfort, to ever make them truly comfortable. So they relegate me to the outskirts, to the examples of what not to be. Yet, they find that difficult because I fulfill every category set out. Not because I want to. But because I quite simply can. I can become whatever you want me to become. Because I was and in many ways still, am way too young to understand what I was doing in morphing myself into the expectations of perfections, of those around me. Let alone that, that was what I have subconsciously even been doing. Let me assure you if I had recognized that- THAT was what was happening, things would be very different.

In doing so, I entrapped myself in perfection. In ticking off boxes, of everything that everyone around didn't expect me to tick. Oh, like I keep saying... none of it actually MATTERS to me. I just like being able to tick the boxes no one expects me to tic and that's on self-degradation for me. See, the damage in perfection is that if you're like me... you recognize how useless it is... and it simply becomes a list for you. You feel nothing, as you check the boxes. One. By. One.

'Cuz you know it doesn't matter.

You can want it too. Believe me there is a very big part of me that looks on my accomplishments and wants to desperately FEEL - anything. You can find that small, infantile measure of pleasure that you checked off a box... that no one ever thought you would. But. I have a feeling that like myself (and you should feel complimented by that) You'll wind up sitting in the dark... feeling empty.

You'll look forward to those moments when your mother says " be nice.... You weren't so nice before" Because you'll feel the spark of life that tells you- There! There it is! The moment I rocked imperfection... to the point of uncomfortableness. You won't remember you did it, Granted I drink too much to remember that moment. But I remember that FEELING.

And I only ever get it when I drink...lately anyways... that however is a topic we will have to discuss another time. Because I'd lie if I said my drink habits were not influenced by the pursuit of someone's perfection. It's just not my perfection. It's something, I don't necessarily want to give power to in naming.

Anything can become a trap in the pursuit of perfection. The perfect blog post, the perfect TikTok, the perfect Instagram, The perfect Facebook Post... the list is endless. And exhausting.

The perfect life.

The perfect romance,.

The perfect child.

The Perfect Life.

To bear a cross we are too imperfect to carry ourselves.

I don't (although I have been told I have been) ever want to be anyone's idea of 'Perfect'. I don't ever want to be perfect. It's impossible to understand what 'perfect is... and it's a curse to those who you bestow tat tittle.

Nobody ever actually wants to be perfect.

Perfection is a heavy lie.

I'll leave you with these lyrics,

"I want my life to matter I am afraid I have no purpose here

The rain it falls, rain it falls Pouring on me, And the rain it falls, rain it falls Sowing the seeds of love and hope, love and hope You don't have to stay here, stuck in the weeds

Have I the courage to change?

...

You're not alone, I promise

Standing together we can do anything."

Don't Ever compromise you, to make others comfortable or happy. Be you my love. Even if it hurts. BE YOU.

I promise you. There is no one more COMPLETE. DESERVING. BEAUTIFUL. Then just plain, Complex, Twisted and Reversed YOU.

And I better not catch you saying otherwise. It'll hurt but it ain't a lie. We weren't born to make others UNcomfortable baby.

With Some Type of Love,

The Duchess