Dear Vino,
I'm going to write you a love song. You ain't ask for it... But I don't care.
Ok, relax, relax- this post is not about wine. Not entirely anyways. I definitely want to give Wine it's proper place on the alter of important things in my life. Right next to Cheetos, Doritos, and the Mecca of my love- Scottish Whisky. Sigh, oh Whisky- let me count the ways...
But I digress.
I've now been in Quarantine for 38 days. By the time this post goes live- it will be 49 days. This is real out here. Necessary but real. Unimaginable- but real. Unpleasant but real AF. I've lost friends, I've lost family. We all have. We have, I believe anyways, also gained something so precious and so unattainable. Something that we've always wanted more of. We've gained TIME.
"Time?" I hear you think. Yes. TIME.
I'm not talking about more time to life- I'm not in search of the cure to aging, because I believe aging is a gift all on its own. Time to really truly examine what is important in our lives. To question what truly, fully, fulfills us. Time to examine what brings us joy. Time to heal- something so many of us don't even realize that we desperately need. Omg So much HEALING that needs to be done. TIME, to reflect, to examine our inner beings.
"Omg, Duchess I had no idea you were so philosophical and sh--t". Well now you know. I'd love to be a peace loving Buddhist but my hundreds of past lives have conditioned my present self to see too much reality- so I'm not one. I do find great peace in meditation... and at the bottom of a wine glass too. What? Why can't they be the same thing?
You gonna sit and Om your life away or sippy-sippy, giggly-giggly?
I'm Sippy- Sippy, Giggly-Giggly party of one please.
Not endorsing alcoholism- remember that before you start blasting.
Time, as I was saying, Is something none of us actually have. It's an illusion. The gift of time during periods of great loss, unrest, uncertainty, is such a magnificent gift. You can't run away from yourself when all you have is the TIME. We are so busy in everyday life- running to the store, running to work, running to the doctors office, running to pick up our kids (well ya'lls kids I don't got that problem). Everything is a rush. Everything around us is constantly moving, constantly shifting. Even the weeks and the months move at what often feels as lighting speed. Have you noticed how long these days are dragging by? You're like an addict right now in the detox stage.
Stop and really look at it. We are addicted to the rush, to the anxiety, to the consistent movement. Addicted to what the latest trend is . Did you see that new dance challenge? We need to hurry up and do that so I can go viral. Always in a rush to compete with each other, to one up the other, to find that next big thing. Other than maybe a vacation (not the way I vacation anyways) when do you just pause? And just stay paused in that moment? Look out the window, up at the sky or out into the distance and just appreciate the moment. The feeling of the wind on your face. How the sun feels heating up your skin. Or even the smell of rain. Maybe even that Mary Jane smell floating on the wind. I guess what I want to say here is that we've been given a gift, we won't be given again. We've been given time. We got nowhere to go, nowhere to be. But we got the time.
I, for one, have found the time given to me to be enlightening. I spent most of my days and nights doing everything I could to NOT find the time to reflect on myself. Oh I know those closest to The Duchess are reading this saying "bitch, you never shut up about your tragedies". I never looked at them head on and examined them neither- you hater-ater so shut it. Don't start with the "but I told you" neither- I'll deal with you later.
As much as we spend our lives trying to find the TIME, now that we have it, it's uncomfortable. But, as uncomfortable as that is, I appreciate this gift of time. It's really made me a miserable bitch. Now, that's confusing but, when I say miserable bitch- I mean it in a good way. Ok, so I was one before too- but now, I'm beginning to understand WHY and to take OWNERSHIP of my choices. Ownership of my own decisions, understanding of those decisions, of my own circumstances and accepting that I and I alone hold the key to my REACTIONS. I've been forced to recognize that I've got triggers.
I know. I know- "Duchess you're so perfect!" I'm sorry to disappoint but I'm not. I wish I could live up to the magnificence that you all see me with. Alas, I've recognized that I can't and I will not. I am gaining an appreciation that no mater how much I think I control around me- I don't control shit. Neither do you.
You like this picture? Thought It really captured the mood of this post. Don't worry I'll tell you about this journey another day.
So yeah, that's my upside to this right now. I would have never found the TIME to start this blog, if I hadn't had this time. Believe me, I had this blog on the "I want to but when will I have time? I'm so busy. Maybe, at some point I'll start." I had so many thoughts, so many horrible negative thoughts of putting myself out into the world in such a personal way. Despite my clowning, and my honesty- because one thing The Duchess always is, is honest. I don't sugar coat shit (I filter it slightly but I ain't lying about nothing) I'm actually a highly private person. Extremely so. I don't do this whole share my life with people I don't know and certainly don't trust. I had thoughts about how I'd be attacked, how people would hate me, people would judge me. Because I got the time now, and an ample amount of wine at the home bar, I have examined those fears, and have found I don't really care what people- I do not know- or for that matter people that I do know- think of me. You know who's opinion matters to me? MINE.
That's ok too. Don't everybody gotta like you. You'll lose that battle. You'll lose that battle so fu**king hard, that you wind up looking at yourself in the mirror asking yourself who is that person starring back. Nothing will make you happy. You will do things you swore you would never do. I've been there. I've been vacant, been empty, been numb. I've lost more than I could explain, invisible pieces of myself I'll never get back. I've fretted and I've stressed over how to please people. During all this, I've had to face that you can not please everyone. You will not please everyone no matter what you do. You certainly can't do so at the cost of yourself. Yeah, that healing I mentioned earlier- I'm healing. I'm learning to stop, to say no- this does not fulfill me, this is not right for me, I do not want this. And that's the beautiful side of this, I got the time to do that now. I've made the promise to make more Time for that. Right now, all we got is TIME.
If I hadn't been forced, like the world has been, to stop. To completely and utterly have the TIME, you wouldn't be enjoying yourself so damn much. So like, your welcome Peasant.
With some type of love,
The Duchess
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