The Duchess

Nov 16, 20206 min read

33

Well my Darlings, here I am.

It's my Birthday.

My 33rd Birthday.

Yes. Yes.

I too am wondering where the Holiday fireworks are.

Why has the world not ground to a halt in celebration? Why national and international days have not been declared in my honor. I promise you all, have thought about these and have sincerely felt the insult that they are not in fact, a thing.

They should be.

I however, have never been one to plug, warrant or promote my date of birth. I don't see the fuss. After all everyone has one right?

This year, this year just somehow feels special, it feels different. It's what some call my Jesus year.

Now be advised that yes, I will be calling this entire year my Jesus year. From today, Nov. 16th 2020 to Nov. 16th 2021 it's my Jesus year. Why Jesus year?

Because Jesus was 33 when he died.

Yeah, that's all I got on that. I'm still calling it my Jesus Year.

The number 3 represents the holy trinity (Father, Son & Holy Ghost). Two 3's trigger a double blessing, one could say. Hey, who doesn't need a double blessing in 2020? I certainly do.

I've learned a lot in the last 33 years, and look forward to learning a lot more in the next 33 years, if I am so blessed to have that opportunity. I hope I do, mostly anyways. I think it's been fun so far.

Easy? No. To be fair I don't expect it to ever be easy, or get easier. One thing I've learned, difficult, sad, unfortunate moments... they all matter. I feel almost like a sad, coming of age film narrator. It's the difficult moments. The moments where, you don't want, or think you will ever come out the other side, that genuinely matter.

I've certainly had many of those moments, and I expect many more to come. I look forward to those moments, because as I've mentioned before loves, it's those moments where you're at your weakest that you burn up and rise again. I'm nothing but a regenerative person. Never bet against me loves, because I'll always come back, even when it looks absolutely impossible for me to do so, I'll come back. We all will. We all can.

I don't know why, but this one feels different. I thought 30 was different, and let me tell you 30 was an absolute mind fuckery of a doosey. If there was suffering to be had... 30 was my first 2020. Maybe that's why 2020 is doable for me. I mean when you have a front row seat to the death of the person you thought you were that's a powerful thing. It's something I think I've only just started to accept. Maybe the person we wanted to be, isn't the person we Should be. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I'm just saying... I started my 30's Hungover and on a train to Paris. Not a bad way to start.... am-I-right? But clearly that means nothing. I was not Carrie Bradshaw... I was a very young Duchess. Not fully fledged and not ready to be born into this beautiful world. But damned if it wasn't the best start to my 30's ever. My 30th was the best Birthday, week... until last year. And I don't want to compare the two, because two very different experiences, people, and joys. My 32nd was equally as amazing, if a lot crazier than 30.

I mean, Apples and Oranges people. we need both fruits! Delicious fruits, but fruits.

This picture is from 2018, a bittersweet photo that reminds me of how damaging 2020 and COVID has been to business across the nation. This was my last birthday spent in my favorite local bar, Coogans. I always have a celebratory drink at Coogies, something that, due to their closing in March, I can no longer do. It is very sad for me.

Birthdays are for reflection, for celebration, for love, for growth, for all of the above. I love and hate them for that. They're special, because they grant us the ability to reflect, sometimes with a lot of resistance, on ourselves, on our paths, on what gives us joy, what brings us sadness, fulfillment, worth. all of it. I'm not even close to where I thought I wanted to be, and I don't think I'll ever get there, like I've mentioned before, I also no longer want to go there.

Much more a, what Lemons I have is the type of Lemonade I'll make person here.And in fair warning, it will have A LOT of Alcohol. Like... A LOT. Lot's of Lemonades have been made, believe that my loves.

Truth is, I enjoy Birthdays. I love celebrating alone, with people, with family or in quiet reflection. they're special. I'm not working a job I love, I'm not going for a PHD, I'm not living in a foreign Country. I am as single as a grain of rice. I don't have children. I live with my mother. And that's all ok.

Because I don't need any of that to be happy, to see the growth. To see the faults. I mean; can I be belligerent and brutally honest when I drink? Absolutely. Can I be the best person in your corner? Absolutely. Can I eat you alive with one look, yeah, I can do all of it. Can i be self destructive? Self punishing. Oh yeah, In fact- I'm really good at that. But i love it, I love it because I CAN see it. Because I've got the privilege to work on it for another year, or another day, it's really not up to any of us how long we are here for. That's why a Birthday is so special. So very important.

Now normally, for Duchess anyways, I get a very special Birthday gift every few years. A new Bond film. Now. I know I have not quite explained what Bond, James Bond means to Duchess exactly, I promise someday I will but let's say, for now... Bond is Daddy. I mean... ZA-DDY DADDY. I live eat and breathe Bond. Know what the absolute highlight of my life was?

It was this moment.

I swear to you. I GIGGLED. Like a school girl.

For a WAX Figure.

I regret. NOTHING.

Now, my love affair with Bond is deep, and strong. The films premiere, generally, around my birthday. Which is great because my loves if it just so happens to be a Bond film year- everyone gets lucky. I have literally three requirements.

Take me to dinner.
Get me a Vodka Martini, shaken, not stirred.
Take me to see Bond.

This year, the newest Bond (No Time to Die) was slated to Premiere back in April. They deviated from our relationship so the Universe punished them with Covid Quarantine.

I said what I said. --------------------------------->

Now, it was rescheduled for a November release. Which, man was I happy when I saw that news. I danced the dance of my people... which was nothing I just poured a bigger glass of wine.

Alas, t'wasn't to be. The film was pushed back to 2021... April.

-_-

Worse still, we lost another Bond. Sir Sean Connery left us.

Someone... please... I beg you... SEDATE ME ALREADY.

So yes, I'll be spending my time in a full Bond Marathon. Not like I don't do that already right? (Insert awkward laugh here)

Oh you think you know more about Bond than me? That's adorable... Meet me outside fool. I'll MURK you.

So, no Bond for Duchess to kick off Jesus year. Hey even Duchess can't win them all. I mean I try, I mostly ramble and stumble but we try.

But my have I been blessed in this crazy life, in my 33 years. To know so many absolutely amazing people. to be supported by them to be loved by so many. To cry with them, ok they cried I was just kind of there. To have laughed with so many. To have raised many, many, many glasses with them. To have traveled with them, learned from them.

That's the other thing about Birthdays, they're not always about you. See, you, are so much more than just you. There are so many people around you that make up one piece of you. Sometimes those people are permanent. Sometimes they are temporary, sometimes they ebb and flow. But they all help make you, you. That's awesome.